No Lip Service - How to Really Forgive

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” – Mark Twain

We've all been hurt at one point or another. At several points in our lives we will lie awake at night seething with hurt and hatred, thinking of ways to get even. We've all mentally killed the people who've hurt us over and over again, but the problem with it all is that they’re just so tiring. We’re already down from the hurt, and the reliving of the pain, the resentment, the regret, and the unforgiveness is just so draining. It’s like a poison that eats away at our insides until we are left empty shells of who we ever were. How can we forgive someone who’s hurt us so much? How can we let go of the insurmountable pain we feel raging at our very cores? How can you even begin?



Many people choose the high road and learn to forgive whoever has hurt them – that’s fantastic! As we should all know by now, forgiveness is so much more than a simple “I’m sorry.” To truly forgive, it is necessary to accept what happened, let go of all the negativity, and continue loving your way through life. In our quest to always being the bigger person, we sometimes choose to forgive others and say we genuinely have, but then the negative feelings come back to haunt us in our quiet thoughts, and we feel the great hatred all over again. But how do you truly let go of all the pain and resentment and just truly, truly forgive? When does forgiveness stop being lip service and how does it even get to that point?

1. Understand 

Uh-uh, not the victimizer yet, but ourselves. It is important to acknowledge and understand the parts of us that are hurting and don’t want to forgive. It is much easier to acknowledge those parts of us than to push them away and pretend they don’t exist. We need to be honest with ourselves and accept that we are not okay and that we are hurt. These feelings are normal.
Next, figure out why you feel that way. Why can’t we forgive? What is stopping us? Often, we withhold forgiveness because we feel that it’ll cause the victimizer some sort of suffering; realize though that when someone hurts another, they always suffer in one way or another, whether or not anyone realizes it. We all suffer –not fun.

2. “Thank you for this experience.”

Many optimists will tell you that there’s always good that comes from bad; it’s true. Just as saplings immediately sprout out of the ashes of a forest fire, when we survive a nasty ordeal, we may have been hurt but we arise wiser, stronger, and more thankful for the second chance. What did I learn from the experience? How has this made me stronger? Am I now a better person? Think of how the experience has served as a blessing rather than how it’s so screwed up. Doing all this does not make the sin right, but puts us back in a position of power. Build on and explore that and all the goodness that has come from what was horrible.

3. Let It Go

Think of this: When a bird craps on my newly washed car, do I resent the bird or do I react and proceed to wash the shit off? It’s like that. Let it go. Whatever happened, happened, and is done and best left in the past. When things and people don’t move in accordance to the rules we’ve set for how others should behave, we wig out, tag them as guilty, and build resentment. What for? Realize that we have no control over others, but we do control how we react and move according to what happened. Do you want your like to work or don’t you? So, let go of your anger for your own sake, survival, and peace.

4. Move with Compassion

Buddhism says that, “… the victimizer is, truly, the most unfortunate of all.” This is the time to try and feel compassion and understanding for the victimizer. Why did that person act the way he did or do what he did? Is there some sort of backstory to it all? Perhaps if you can find a small patch for understanding, then you can truly begin to forgive. Of course, this does not mean that we should let our guards down and leave ourselves unprotected; but if we can get to that place where, even in a small way, we can wish for their healing, then we can find our own healing. Above all, seek to move and think with compassion, loving-kindness, understanding, and sympathetic joy so there is no room for resentment.

5. Turn It Over

Whether one believe in God, some other higher being, or simply the universe, understand that we can turn over our cares to either one and things will eventually take care of themselves. If it’s God, believe that He’s got this and will take care of you; if it’s science or something, trust that everything eventually comes to equilibrium. It is simply taking the heavy load off of our shoulders and allowing someone else to help us along by helping us carry our burden. So, turn your pain over to God, the universe, your friends, family, or loved ones. No man is an island.

6. Boundaries: Forgive, Never Forget

We get hurt because we do not set boundaries. We need to set boundaries as to what we will and will not stand for. Once we've done so we are released from our fear of the incident happening again. Remember, what problem can touch us if we've already decided not to allow them in? We must learn from our experience, that’s what it means to forgive but never forget. Don’t be stupid; learn and come up with a loving way to handle that particular situation and similar ones should one of them arise again. Assert boundaries.
Yes, the hurt and memories of whatever happened will most definitely come back to haunt us over and over again, but one thing to remember is that we can always choose to forgive over and over again. This will bring us healing.